Ashes to Ashes?

April 12th marks the 1 year mark for my Merami's memorial... and the end of my year of mourning, though I know I will still have to deal with her being gone from now till I myself die.  I think the thing I found the hardest is the fact that she was cremated.  I am not even going to touch the pros-cons or religious views of this, but I am dealing with a real issue.  I have no place to go to say good-byes.  No headstone, no grave... Yeah, sure her ashes are up on the mantle at Dad's place, by her picture (same one pictured here from the memorial)... but that is just not the same.

I am not against cremation, but I personal know when my Dad has passed (he has in his will to be cremated too), I am taking his and mom's ashes and burying them in a grave plot, placing a head stone, and having a place to visit, place flowers, and it be final.   Just like this gypsy gal is looking for her Travelers Rendezvous/permanent home till heaven... so do they need a final resting place.  I just hope I can live some where 29 plus years, as my parents did, and  my Dad still does...

~ Morria

Those who have gone before...

25 years ago, my Grandma Houser passed away,
22 years ago, my Grandpa Fitzpatrick passed away,
15 years ago, my Grandpa Houser passed away,
13 years ago, was the "Year of Sorrow",
10 years ago, my Grandma Fitzpatrick passed away,
7 years ago, Robby's Grandma Sylvania passed away.
3 years ago, my Aunt Nelda and Aunt Jewel passed away,
1 year ago, my Merami passed away.

In honor of them all, I share you this song that I wrote in 2000,
when Grandpa Houser passed away:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song of Sorrow

(set to the tune of "Barbra Allen")

From Irish halls to huts straw,

the wind of sorrow blows,

an’ everyone that hears its song,

knows of the cryin’. 

For in the heart an’ in the ear,

 the song it goes,

and sends each one

to bended knee

 for sorrow's prayer.

For sorrow’s course must take its hold,

and the joy its wing,

for in this life

they have their place,

an’ none can change it.

For in sorrows an’ joys,

this life its made,

an’ though we plead,

an’ though we beg,

this life it flies on.

So when the wind of sorrow comes,

we know our lot,

an’ turn our hearts

 to the Lord above,

our God and King!

For in His death

He bore our pain,

on sorrow’s tree,

an’ in Him we have our hope

for today.

So now, my friends,

ye’ve heard

the song of sorrow,

an’ to thee I bid ado

until the mor-row.


Copyright 2000 MMH/MMN

68, she never saw...

Merami would have turned 68 years old today...
But she lost the battle to cancer back in March...
She didnt make it to 68... let alone 70....
I thought Merami and I were not that close... I thought her passing would not leave this kinda void. After all, she and I never saw eye to eye on most things...

I use to call her into account on her hoarding all the time... she would just blame me for making the mess.  When I lived in the house, I fell for it.  Once I had moved out,I realized, I wasn't the one who made the mess, she just used me as her scapegoat, so she didn't have to face that she had become what she despised the worst... A hoarder. I really started to feel sorry for her... she really believed it was Dad and my fault for not helping her with the mess...and us for making it.  She has been gone less than a year, and Dad has the house nearly back to how I remember it when I was young.

Still, she was a giving soul, with a heart of deep love for others.  She always was talking about missions, children, and was someone I could talk to about both... plus my own struggles of not having a child yet... after all... she was 36 when she adopted me!  I miss the "care packages", even if I threw half of the "bargains" away because they were so cheep they didnt work... still, she was thinking of me...and the specialty Coffees, Natural Candies, Trail Mixes,  and such, always made the box worth getting.  That and she always sent underwear.... Why I had to always buy my own when I lived at home, and the minute I left home she started sending me new clean underwear, is beyond me... but she did, and it was always a blessing.  LOL!  That's a mom for you.

So, in conclusion, Happy 68th Birthday, Merami!  I trust your first one in Heaven rocked!

~ Morria

Finding the Path

It has been a hard year.   Moved back to Dine Bikeyah only to have my heart ripped out and trampled on by those who asked us out here.  Just after that, my Merami (mother) passed away suddenly.   After the memorial, I basically shut down for 2-3 months.  Darkness over took me.  I was lost.  I did not know what path to be on anymore.  Kept going through the motions, knowing that if I kept going forward, I would in time see the light beyond the deep heavy fog that I was in.

Then this month, the light has begun the peak through a bit.  My husband, Robby, and I decided to sit down and watch a TV show he had discovered called "Grimm".  To my surprise, I loved it.   Even more surprising, it awoke in me realization I could turn my passion into a living.  So now I am studying to become a Natural Health Consultant, phase 1 of my 4 part plan: Phase 1: Natural Health Consultant Training; Phase 2: Master Herbalist Training; Phase 3: Doula or Midwife Training; Phase 4: Open Herb, Tea, Spice Shop and Natural Health Consultant Office.   Now my passion for herbs and natural health wont be wasted...

So I must say, while the pathway is still as dark as ever, now a path way is lit before me.  The way is clearer, and my hope stronger.  My faith will carry me on, even if I dont understand why I am going through these things.  So I say again, "To you my Lord, will I cling.  Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ to my right, and Christ to my left."

~  Morria

Motherless Mother's Day

Mother's Day is here again, and for the first time ever, my dear "Merami" is not here with me.  LOL, for those who knew us well, you know we never did see eye to eye on many issue, but we still had a deep reckless love for eachother.   She was the one who put wings to my dreams, but also taught me to see where the ground was to land, without crashing... Not that I am great about the not crashing part.

She could see all my flaws and still see the strong woman beneath.  She could see the wild, untamed spirit, the recklessness, and the dreamer, and found a way for me to harness them and become both a woman, missionary, and a gypsy.  For years I did not see how she was helping me do it, but know grown and over 30, I see it.  Thusly, this first year without her for Mother's Day is very hard.  So much I wish I could tell her...

While I will always miss her greatly, I will always know the woman I am today is largely in part to her.    Thanks, Merami!

~ Morria

Shroud of Mourning

The shroud of mourning has come again to my dwelling for on the eve of last my mother past.  *la sigh* I am now without the woman I have called "mama" , my Merami, for the last 30 years since my adoption at 6 months old.  I am at a loss and feel numb.  Shock, depression, and unsureness... this is what I can put my finger on for feelings.  Numbness for sure.  So thankful for my Robby today.  Who knows what the next months foretell?

~ Morria

We Made It!

We got up early Friday Morning, and ate a heart meal of waffles thanks to the hot continental breakfast at our hotel. Then we pushed, and I mean pushed hard.  We stopped a few times to refill the gas and our bellies, but other than that we pushed.  From 9am Central time to 5am Mountian time the next day (today/Saturday) we were on the road.  We crashed on the warm, old brown carpet here at BABR to catch a quick nap before anyone was really up.  Then by 8am we were up and getting around for the memorial.

Why do we have to say "goodbye"?  Why do these things keep happening? Why does it seem I out live many who are even younger than I?  I mean, I am getting use to the thought I might not have my Merami much longer, but to lose someone who was just 17?  It sickens my heart, especially when it was to suicide.   Yet, I know how hard it can be.  When I was 16/17, I was facing death I thought... due to my "mystery" illness which to this day has no true name.  I myself thought of just ending it all a few times... years ago.  But to actually follow through... NO, I promise everyone, I will not even toy with that idea ever again, from this day forth... and thus honor my fallen brother's memory all the more.  Rest at peace in our Lord's arms little brother!

~ Morria

We made it!

Never in my life have I been so happy to see warm blankets, a matrices and McDonald's dollar menu food...  are bellies are warm and full.  I have gotten to wrap my arms around Merami in a warm hug.  And now I am crashing out... to tired to left my head.  Good night, y'all!  This gypsy goth gal is going to bed even though it is not yet 6pm, as I have been up for over 24 hrs now...

~ Morria

Cold Car...

Brr...brrr...brr... I havent been this cold since we left Didean after the ice storm.  I am not sure if I will ever get warm again.  Let's just put it this way.  These gypsies need to find hotels that take cash, or at least a debit card...because sleeping in a car with frost in Indiana just isnt cutting it.  No place we stopped at in Louisville will take cash or debt.   And we havent seen anymore place to try yet... by next time I make this drive I will find at LEAST one that takes cash...sleeping bags, blankets and car seats just dont cut it...not with our back seat and trunk full of what little we still own...

So here I am sitting in an Indiana rest stop trying to warm up for a bit, before taking a nap for about an hour, so we can press on to the next rest stop for another hour. At least someone has free wifi near by...   Then we will drive on to mom and dads, and crash for a night and a day, before helping Dad get stuff together for Merami's surgery.

~ Morria

On the road again...

Merami is having surgery come next week... Robby and I are heading out to go to Kansas to be with her, and then since we are closer maybe go to Colorado for around our 5th Wedding Anniversary.  It's also that our "landlady" told us to get out...  I dont know if it is the medicines for "her" back and neck surgery playing with her or not, but supposedly Robby and I are disowned yet again, and were asked not to return except to get our stuff.  If it is like before, give it a few weeks to a month, and she will forget that she told us that... still, it kills me inside to be called a witch who is poisoning Robby's mind... I have enough stress as is with my Merami most likely in her last stand, fighting against cancer...  So thankful our church Immanuel rescued us tonight with a hotel room...

"Please, Lord, have mercy on us!  Give us grace as we go... "

~ Morria

Horror!

Merami is ill.  CANCER!  My heart is crying for her!  How can I stay here?  How can I leave?  She says there is little chance of beating it.  The Docs give her 6 moths at tops, she is praying for longer so she and Dad can get her afares in order.    What is a daughter to do?

It's not like I have not lived with the possibility of this since I was old enough to understand... 4 years old I think I was, the first time I understood what one of her cancer scares was.  But not this... this is the first time it has not been just a scare.  

Shock...
Horror...
Fright...
That is all that comes mind... I'm at a loss for words.

~ Morria

A visit!

Merami and Daddy came to visit!  And they brought stuff!!!  I couldnt be happier.  I get to show Merami and Daddy around town... and now I have my Victorian wardrobe to store stuff in too!  Yeah, yeah... I know, I am a gypsy goth gal who loves the open road and not much stuff... but this is my one furniture piece that I adore from my childhood.  I always longed to have it, and now that I am married it is mine.  LOL!  Merami and Daddy took well to the beach, though Daddy swears he will never ever ever come back to Chicago again.  He hates the big city and the traffic.  Not that I blame him, most parking places are at least $3 a day.  That is why Daddy brought me my bike, Meg, so that I can get around town and not worry about a car.



Now, they are headed back after spending Merami's 62nd birthday in Chicago site seeing.  I got to take her to all the best thrift stores, from Little Thai Town to Unique Thrift to Salvation Army, we hit them all!  I trust it was a good birthday for her.

~ Morria

Birth Mom Found ME!!!

I got a letter today, via Merami, but Merami did not write it.  No, it was from Mom Norma, my birth mom who gave me up for adoption back in 1983.  Apparently, I have a younger sister named, Christy, who ran into our older sister, Amber, (who was also adopted and our adopted mom's had written each other), and also a little brother named Travis.  Woah, one letter can sure change your life in a heart beat.  I am trying to think of what to say, what to write back... I have dreamed of this day for years, but to actually have the chance... I am so nervous, so excited, and now I am not an only child... I have 3 siblings and all of them are back in my life!

~ Morria