Figuring things out...

Sometimes I wish I knew more... Understood more... Could peace the puzzle that is life together better... Here I am 32, and sometimes I think I had a better grasp on life at 16 than I do now.  Then there are moments when I think I am beginning to glimpse  the path, only to have it disappear into the shadows again.  I thought I knew who I was when I was 13, when I was 16, when I was 19, when I was 25, but now at 32.... I can honestly say, this Gypsy Gal has no clue who she really is...  Am I the herbalist?  Am I the missionary? I am the wife, who dutifully aids her husband so that he can better provide for them?  Am I the scared girl, who has forgotten her way?  Or am I something more... that I have not quite figured out yet?

Dont get me wrong... I love the life I have lived thus far.  Yet, ever since last year... when my adopted mother died just after I was "stabbed in the back" by someone else I trusted... I have felt displaced, out of focus, not quite sure of the world.  It is not like I have not faced death over and over.  It is not like I have not dealt with betrayal before and come out alright... but this time it rocked me to my core.

I keep think I am coming out of it... I keep think I am getting better... only to find myself still in the dark cave still marveling at the light, but not quite ready to crawl all the way out yet.  Yeah, I may be closer to the opening than I was 6 months ago... but I am not out yet by any mean... "O, God, help me! I cant do this alone!"

~ Morria

Rediscovery...

They say when you get older you know yourself better...  sadly that is not always true.  I think I knew more about who I was and where I was heading at 16 than I did at 21.  I hit the "real world" and thought, "Hey, I was a kid, I thought like one, I can't do any of that as an adult."  Well, I was wrong.
1) I wanted to be a missionary living out in Dine Bikeyah. - VERY Do able! 
2) I wanted to use and teach others to use herbs. - Working towards now!
3) I wanted to live off the land.  - Working towards our own homestead!


Why did I stop working towards those last two?  Because well meaning adults told me to grow up and join the "real world", you can survive and provide doing those.

So now the door swung open...  I can see clearly the path that was hiding just beneath the fog of lies.  I can be the woman God created me to be.  My love of Herbs, of the Natural world, of tending to others, and living off the land... they do have a place in the 21st Century.  I am not just some crazy dreamer.  I am the Desert Gypsy Goth/ Gypsy Goth Gal that I am suppose to be.  This backward look, for forward purpose, has been a true blessing... a journey of rediscovery of the Morria I have always been underneath...

~ Morria

We Made It!

We got up early Friday Morning, and ate a heart meal of waffles thanks to the hot continental breakfast at our hotel. Then we pushed, and I mean pushed hard.  We stopped a few times to refill the gas and our bellies, but other than that we pushed.  From 9am Central time to 5am Mountian time the next day (today/Saturday) we were on the road.  We crashed on the warm, old brown carpet here at BABR to catch a quick nap before anyone was really up.  Then by 8am we were up and getting around for the memorial.

Why do we have to say "goodbye"?  Why do these things keep happening? Why does it seem I out live many who are even younger than I?  I mean, I am getting use to the thought I might not have my Merami much longer, but to lose someone who was just 17?  It sickens my heart, especially when it was to suicide.   Yet, I know how hard it can be.  When I was 16/17, I was facing death I thought... due to my "mystery" illness which to this day has no true name.  I myself thought of just ending it all a few times... years ago.  But to actually follow through... NO, I promise everyone, I will not even toy with that idea ever again, from this day forth... and thus honor my fallen brother's memory all the more.  Rest at peace in our Lord's arms little brother!

~ Morria

The Gypsy Goth Gal

PEACE....
now that is a word that use to be so easy for me to explain.  Life was good.  I knew where I belonged in those days.  Well, at least in terms of at my church.... took me years to find out I belonged reaching out the the youth.

UNREST...
O, my soul is restless!
I know it now.  I have the restless, wandering spirit of the Irish missionaries and gypsies of old.  I knew by now I would be preparing to leave home.  I knew it when I was 16.  I wish I had listened to myself better.  LOL! Oh to wander the open lands, going where He sends me!

PAINED...
The Sorrow and Loss of the past year, the Year of Sorrow, have left it's bitter scars.  Death, losses, unwise choices, bitter wounds, and lessons learned. I may not be strong yet, but I am stronger from these trials.  I am not praying for this life to be easy, just for the strength to make it.

ACTION...
With this all summed up, I am starting to really prepare and pack today.  My goal? That I might be able to give up  all that which is no longer needed or useful for the journey.  My time in Kansas is over... No matter how much longer I physically stay, I will live as if I am a visitor, a gypsy goth on the way to their next stop.

Father to You this Life, I commit!

~ Morria