Figuring things out...

Sometimes I wish I knew more... Understood more... Could peace the puzzle that is life together better... Here I am 32, and sometimes I think I had a better grasp on life at 16 than I do now.  Then there are moments when I think I am beginning to glimpse  the path, only to have it disappear into the shadows again.  I thought I knew who I was when I was 13, when I was 16, when I was 19, when I was 25, but now at 32.... I can honestly say, this Gypsy Gal has no clue who she really is...  Am I the herbalist?  Am I the missionary? I am the wife, who dutifully aids her husband so that he can better provide for them?  Am I the scared girl, who has forgotten her way?  Or am I something more... that I have not quite figured out yet?

Dont get me wrong... I love the life I have lived thus far.  Yet, ever since last year... when my adopted mother died just after I was "stabbed in the back" by someone else I trusted... I have felt displaced, out of focus, not quite sure of the world.  It is not like I have not faced death over and over.  It is not like I have not dealt with betrayal before and come out alright... but this time it rocked me to my core.

I keep think I am coming out of it... I keep think I am getting better... only to find myself still in the dark cave still marveling at the light, but not quite ready to crawl all the way out yet.  Yeah, I may be closer to the opening than I was 6 months ago... but I am not out yet by any mean... "O, God, help me! I cant do this alone!"

~ Morria

Herbalist

My studies are going well.  Better than I expected.  At first, I was like, well Natural Health is here to stay, I have always been good at understanding it, yet, I just did not really realize how much God had built it into me as one of my great passion.  True, often in my stories there was an herbalist.  When I was younger at first it was a secondary character, and I was the warrior woman.  Then as I grew older that shifted, and instead of a warrior woman, I was the healer, the herbalist herself...

Then, I really grew up, and bought into what I was told, "You cant do that, not in the modern world."  I should have looked into it.  I should not have just listened to those who were ill informed on many issues.  It is a viable trade again, there is training for it, which now I am seeking, but with great time lost.  Yet, looking back I wonder... Would have I been as good at it at 19 as I am now at 32?  Would I have had the passion, the skill, the understanding?  Or would I have just been a childish dreamer back then?  I guess I shall never know, but the future is indeed brighter.   Soon, I shall be Morria the Herbalist, for that I am truly thankful.

~ Morria

Who is Morria?

Who is Morria?  That is a question I find myself asking more and more.  As a child I had an ideas of who she would be grown up: strong, brave, a singer, a writer, a well traveled woman.  As a teen, I started carving a path: a dash of goth, a bit of gypsy, an herbalist, a wanderer, a warrior woman, a poet.  As a twenty something, I got lost in a fog: death, sorrow, betrayal, broken heart, shattered dreams, new dreams, and true love.  And now as a thirty something, I am trying to find out just who she is.  But the piece are not so easy to figure out.  Am I just the woman I am day to day?  The woman who works a 10-7 (nightshift), comes home, sleeps, drives her husband to college, and longs for more?  Or am I that herbalist, gypsy goth, writer, that I still envision myself as?  I am not sure, but I sure am going to find out...

~ Morria