68, she never saw...

Merami would have turned 68 years old today...
But she lost the battle to cancer back in March...
She didnt make it to 68... let alone 70....
I thought Merami and I were not that close... I thought her passing would not leave this kinda void. After all, she and I never saw eye to eye on most things...

I use to call her into account on her hoarding all the time... she would just blame me for making the mess.  When I lived in the house, I fell for it.  Once I had moved out,I realized, I wasn't the one who made the mess, she just used me as her scapegoat, so she didn't have to face that she had become what she despised the worst... A hoarder. I really started to feel sorry for her... she really believed it was Dad and my fault for not helping her with the mess...and us for making it.  She has been gone less than a year, and Dad has the house nearly back to how I remember it when I was young.

Still, she was a giving soul, with a heart of deep love for others.  She always was talking about missions, children, and was someone I could talk to about both... plus my own struggles of not having a child yet... after all... she was 36 when she adopted me!  I miss the "care packages", even if I threw half of the "bargains" away because they were so cheep they didnt work... still, she was thinking of me...and the specialty Coffees, Natural Candies, Trail Mixes,  and such, always made the box worth getting.  That and she always sent underwear.... Why I had to always buy my own when I lived at home, and the minute I left home she started sending me new clean underwear, is beyond me... but she did, and it was always a blessing.  LOL!  That's a mom for you.

So, in conclusion, Happy 68th Birthday, Merami!  I trust your first one in Heaven rocked!

~ Morria

Reawakening...

There is so much about my self that I had forgotten, that I had locked away to never be seen again.  Or so I thought.  When I walked away from the subcultures, I locked away my art, my poetry, my uniqueness for the sake of peace, for the sake of fitting in.  And I was miserable in so doing. Why does one try to fit in to a mold, a box, a cookie cutter that they were not made for? When I have stepped out of that mold, and began to re-embrace the me I discovered nearly 13 years ago, I felt more peace than I have in years.  It was like a door swung open, not only for me, but also for my husband as well.  It is not as though this will be an easy path.  There will be some bumps in the road along the way, especially as we figure out our ministry paths, but at last I will be free to be the woman God made me to be!

~ Morria

Revelations...

Sometimes in life we think we know and understand what is going on around us.We think we know what the one we love is saying, what they mean, and how life is meant to be.   Then we go about our lives together based on those understandings, meanings, and purpose... we scarfice things for the other.  We base our goals on the other and vise versa.  But what if one day you woke up to find out you had misunderstood each other for years?  That you had misunderstood each other? That you had changed things based on those misunderstandings?  Would it be like a light coming on in the darkness for you?  Would relief flood your streets?  Would joy overtake you?

 For me the storm rolled in this past week.  7 years of misunderstandings, miscommunications, rough pasts, and giving things up thinking that is what had to be done... exploded messily.  But once the explosion was done and everything was out in the open, it was as though the light had been turned on in a dark cave, and all at once we could see beautiful art on the walls.  We saw each other in new lights, dreams long thought needed to abandon are picked back up, and we are so much more at peace together.

To Robby:

My love, my joy, what a blessing you are!
A companion to walk beside me,
A friend to share my joys and sorrows,
A soul mate to know my heart,
A warrior to fight for me in times of danger,
A gentleman to shower me with love.
A servant of God to serve along side,
This is the man who I love!
(MMN - 2014)

~ Morria

Lonely Road

It is not easy walking this road.  In fact, it can be very lonely.  Even when you have a good, loving family, if the dont walk this road in the shadowlands, then there is little comfort there.  The strong arms of the Lord are such a comfort, but it is a blessing when friends, brothers and sisters in Christ come and walk along with you. Those friends can be the light God sends to easy the journey.  A brightness in ones day, and ones life.  Not all friends are light bringers, some so called friends are light dimmers.  Those are the ones, which are likely to betray you, stab you in the back, and leave you worse than when you started... yet in good times run to you.   If it seems to good to be true, more than likely it is.  Yet those who come and help when you are down, bind your wounds, and leave you healing, those are those to keep close.  

Thank God for true friends for they make the lonely road bearable!

~ Morria

In the Shadowlands...

Ministering to the hurting, outcast, misfits, and subcultures, often is a lonely thankless ministry.  Even more so if you are in an area where the views are still stuck back 30 to 50 years in the past, where misunderstandings, miscommunications, and misidentification are common place. It is often tempting to lay aside the calling God has placed on your life, and just try to blend in.  To walk away and try to fit into the mainstream, but that is like walking into a deep foggy forest without a compass...

It takes courage to come back out of that forest, pick up the compass and the Light for your path, and do what is asked of you.  Even if some close to you don't understand why you still walk in the shadowlands, you have to keep going.  It will be like a fire in the bones if you dont.  When one is not on the right path, everything is wrong, and you are miserable.  But when you find that path again, and take up your journey-task with courage, joy creeps back...

So, having learned that the hard way, as I must so many things in life.  My cut up and bruised bare feet, are back on the narrow pathway of my calling.   Am I meant to serve the outcast, broken, and wounded?  Yes!  Am I meant to minister subcultures?  Yes! Am I meant to serve in Dine Bikeyah and the Native Southwest?  Yes! Took me forever to learn that and to learn what that might even look like... Each path is diffrent, and everyones hardship diffrent.  Take heart to walk the path and do the journey take He has set before each of us.  His ways are good, even if they always remain hard.  His comfort sustains, even if enough to just make it one more day, one more step... His light is just enough.

~ Morria

One Day at A Time...

Life, especially of late seems not to come easy for me.  The ground is always full of boulders, thorns, and goat heads.  The path is normally flooded, or covered by fog, or pilled with snow.  Yet each day comes new... whether I bid it come or not.  So I have learned, take each day as it come.   Not that each day will make the journey easier, but at least it is less overwhelming.    So I live, and do what I can that needs to be done, trying to remember everything... and take each small step forward.   Before to long, I am looking back and saying, "Wow, there was a path through there, I just couldn't see it before."  Having done that many, many times, each day I am learning to take in stride, and just keep going.

~ Morria

Finding the Path

It has been a hard year.   Moved back to Dine Bikeyah only to have my heart ripped out and trampled on by those who asked us out here.  Just after that, my Merami (mother) passed away suddenly.   After the memorial, I basically shut down for 2-3 months.  Darkness over took me.  I was lost.  I did not know what path to be on anymore.  Kept going through the motions, knowing that if I kept going forward, I would in time see the light beyond the deep heavy fog that I was in.

Then this month, the light has begun the peak through a bit.  My husband, Robby, and I decided to sit down and watch a TV show he had discovered called "Grimm".  To my surprise, I loved it.   Even more surprising, it awoke in me realization I could turn my passion into a living.  So now I am studying to become a Natural Health Consultant, phase 1 of my 4 part plan: Phase 1: Natural Health Consultant Training; Phase 2: Master Herbalist Training; Phase 3: Doula or Midwife Training; Phase 4: Open Herb, Tea, Spice Shop and Natural Health Consultant Office.   Now my passion for herbs and natural health wont be wasted...

So I must say, while the pathway is still as dark as ever, now a path way is lit before me.  The way is clearer, and my hope stronger.  My faith will carry me on, even if I dont understand why I am going through these things.  So I say again, "To you my Lord, will I cling.  Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ to my right, and Christ to my left."

~  Morria